***Disclaimer: I am a speaker at heart! These notes are either transcripts of the podcast or notes I made in preparation. I try hard to correct them grammatically but writing is not my strength. Please forgive the inevitable errors 😘
Welcome friend to the podcast closet, today brining you Consider Yourself Hugged episode 55: Today’s Hug: I Get Offended More Easily Thank I’d Like! (Click here or pic to listen.)
I’m Dr. Tami West, here every week to bring you tips on living a life that brings you mental
and emotional wellbeing.
What does it mean to be offended? The Oxford dictionary: resentful or annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult.
Synonyms are: upset, hurt, wounded, injured, insulted
So why talk about this? Why admit it? Why now? The bummer is I can’t really TELL you my stories as of late because THAT’d be rude! If you know me, don’t worry – you didn’t offend me 😉. The GOOD news is I have a story of an encounter in a store. Stranger. No risk. Here goes:
I was in an undisclosed store, shopping for undisclosed stuff, when I saw a woman with a beautiful coat on - looked like fur but I thought it probably wasn’t. I’m a big ole' touch person! When I'm walking through the home part of any store I’m touching the blankets, the socks, the coats, etc. So I said, “That is a beautiful coat it looks so soft! Can I touch it?”
“Oh no! Everyone always asks but… no.”
She wasn’t mean. Wasn’t emotional or apologetic. Didn’t seem to feel awkward. It was just no. It was the weirdest thing. I walked away feeling so, well, I don’t know, or I DIDN’T know, at the time what to even call it.
Shortly after that something happened that I CAN’T talk about but it got me to thinking about this concept of being offended. I gotta tell you I never considered myself easily offended, but then I had to go, well AM I? I sure don’t WANT to be!
The store thing isn’t a big deal, but MANY situations can cause offense: you weren’t offered a promotion you thought you had, a group of friends leave you out, a cultural comment, someone didn’t rave about what a great job you did at a, b, or c, you have your own business and everyone knows it but one of your good friends used a competitor. It could go on and on.
And I’ll just go ahead and say, sometimes we have a right be offended. If someone comes up to me and says that because I’m a woman I shouldn’t be a professional speaker, I will be insulted. Now, do I hold onto it, seek revenge, lash out? I’d like to think no but that’s never happened so I’ll let you know! But my point is, there are reasons to be genuinely upset. We don’t want to allow ourselves to be hurt, be a doormat, be abused, neglected or taken advantage of.
What I mean here is really the perceived part. I’ve spend the last few days processing and researching it, and here’s what I’ve got: underlying reasons we get offended and ways to get past it. They’re quick!
Underlying reasons we get offended:
1. Something must have hit an underlying deficiency in my self-esteem.
2. I had unrealistic expectations
Ways to get past it:
1. When you feel that rush of adrenaline, stop! Ask yourself What am I thinking RIGHT NOW, this very second? Remember from previous sessions, thoughts aren’t feelings. Save feelings for next. I’m sure I was thinking:
a. WOW really??!!
b. How rude!
c. Did anyone see this?
d. Who does she think she is!
e. Well if it were me…..
2. Now evaluate those thoughts. Are they valid? Let's see
a. Wow really is just an initial reaction – valid.
b. Rude – interpretation – not valid
c. Did anyone see this – valid question
d. Who does she think she is – not valid
e. Well if it were me – not valid, she isn’t me
3. Now, STOP again and ask yourself, How do I FEEL RIGHT NOW, this very second – what emotion? Remember, feelings/emotions aren’t thoughts.
a. I remember looking around to see if anyone saw what happened. Therefore, I think I was embarrassed.
b. I was angry.
4. You know what’s next – evaluate those feelings. Feelings are always valid, but what do they MEAN?
a. Embarrassed: that theme comes up with me fairly often. I do NOT like being called out, teased criticized in public. OK therapy time – and you need to do the same thing!!! Why? Growing up poor and neighborhood outcast. Student teaching.
b. Angry. Due to expectations that she should have responded the way I wanted her to!
5. Finally, moving forward.
a. Do I want to feel this way?
b. Can I choose another way and even be a better person for it? Yes!
And sadly, as always, that’s our time for today. I hope you learned something!
As always, Please pass the show link along to a friend or two and subscribe, download, and review wherever you are listening. And look around here on my website to get info if you’d like me to speak at your next event and also you’ll find the promised links and info. And I’d love for you to follow me on Facebook and all those other crazy social media outlets; links are below.
Thank you so much for listening and growing our special community!
I pray that each day you remember to love, to serve, to feel worthy, to grow, to connect, to change, and to be the best person you can be for yourself AND for the other humans in your world!
And until next time, Consider Yourself Hugged 😘🤗
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