Welcome friends to Consider Yourself Hugged episode 48. Today’s hug: Do You REALLY Want Someone to Change Poor Behavior? (Click here or pic to listen, and also quick note: Other than links found in the text, promised links will be found at the end of this note.)
I’m Dr. Tami West, here every week to bring you tips on living a life that brings you mental and emotional wellbeing.
If you listen, you won’t notice anything super different about today, but it IS different because I’m also recording video from the Podcast Closet, one of my favorite places on the planet! Yep, I’m sitting on the floor leaning on pillows, and my computer and microphone are on a box. I’m surrounded by shoes and clothes, but I DID put a picture up on the wall, so if you get a chance, click here (or my pic) to check it out on my YouTube channel. Now on with the show!
Think of someone you want to change some obnoxious behavior. Maybe it’s family, a friend, a co-worker. You know this person. We vent about them with each other. We try to figure it out together. Got it? Here's a scenario:
You go to work. You start your morning maybe grabbing a cup of coffee and you chat with a couple of coworkers. The conversation eventually lands on the person, her or him! There’s one or two other people with you when you share your war story of what he or she did to you yesterday. You’re all sipping coffee they are nodding their eyes are rolling they’re saying mhm and maybe you don’t even realize it but physically you are all leaning into the conversation. Your bonding over this!
Now let’s analyze this all too common scenario. Let’s say you are the person sharing the war story. Let’s even say you are very self-aware. You think deeply about problems when they occur. This “thinking” business is what I talk about almost all the time.So let’s say partway into this conversation you realize you’re trying to think about it differently and so you say “I’m still hoping and praying that he will see how hard this is for all of us. I really believe he can change. I know he’s probably doing the best that he can. I realize that I have issues too that probably upset other people. It makes me feel really bad to talk about him behind his back.“ Maybe you don’t say all of these things, but you’re trying to be a “good person.“
Let’s skip forward a few days same morning routine and one of the men in your ‘little support group’ says “You know, I was thinking about what you said the other day and you’re right. I’m sure he is doing the best he can. So I invited him to lunch and we went and it actually went really well. I do think he’s doing the best he can and I think maybe if I change my thinking or what I do, it could really have an effect“ Your group all says the appropriate things “Oh that’s great! Oh I’m so happy! Oh I do hope things will get better! Yes we should all try harder!” And you part ways.
Know what I’m going to say next comes from my own self-reflection and I haven’t heard anybody talk about this. Hopefully I’m not revealing my own character flaw and you’re thinking, "That’s not true at all you really suck as a person! 🤣" Here it is:
When someone in your “support group” puts effort into someone you’ve put a ton of effort into disliking; when they say this disliked person might be ok; when it looks like this disliked person might come into your fold.... It feels WEIRD! Now this situation is really based on
a boss years ago that we ALL had ‘water cooler’ conversations about weekly – sometimes daily! Our pain was real! He was brutal! (Of course I have more recent situations but do you really expect me to talk about those?!)
So why does it feel weird? Why don’t we always jump for joy. I have 4 reasons to share with you (click here to hear the details.)
1. It’s not fair
2. It takes away my moral high ground
3. It forces me to stretch – now I have to figure THIS out. I have to think differently. I have to
4. It changes the relationship with “the group”.
I guess this is closely tied with forgiveness, a topic for another day. I wanted you to have a deeper level of self-awareness when it comes to others changing in your world. It takes confidence on your part to embrace other’s changes. It takes great self esteem – (Click here for part I on self-esteem and click here for part II. And it takes commitment to self-awareness and growth. I hope this helps you with all of those things!
And sadly, that’s our time for today. I hope you’ll keep this in mind as you “hope & pray” that someone will change. Wouldn’t it be awesome to REALLY hope for change in others and ourselves and then CELEBRATE when it happens! Oh happy day!
As always, Please pass the show link along to a friend or two and subscribe, download, and review wherever you are listening. And look around here at tamiwest.com to get info if you’d like me to speak at your next event and also find information on my new communication coaching classes (click here to enroll in February's class). And I’d love for you to follow me on Facebook, my primary social media home at facebook.com/tamiwestseminars.
Thank you so much for listening and growing our special community!
I pray that each day you remember to love, to serve, to feel worthy, to grow, to connect, to change, and to be the best person you can be for yourself AND for the other humans in your world!
And until next time, Consider Yourself Hugged 😘🤗