And My Mind Spiraled... When You Feel Inadequate
Here’s how it happens:
Aside from speaking and training, I sell equipment and containers into kitchens, primarily schools and senior feeding programs. Some of the specifics are new to me. For example, I haven’t written large bids before (or what I consider to be large) I have also never registered to sell to large corporations, government entities, etc.
Surprise!!! Last week I have TWO of these situations on basically the same day. So I sent my boss a draft bid and scheduled a meeting to go over the details.
Exciting, right! Or is it?
I have 2 people who live in my head:
Tami is positive. She tries to see the best in other people and herself. She likes long walks on the beach 😉. She tries to problem solve and tells herself and others that everything is going to be fine. I love her.
And then there’s Mrs.Mean . She freaks out when things aren’t in her control. She tells Tami that she’s not good enough. She tells her she doesn’t work as hard as everyone else. She promotes negativity and tells herself things won’t be fine – sometimes she says it out loud!!
Now, years ago, Tami tried to evict Mrs.Mean , but we all know the law is on the occupant’s side in these cases. So, she negotiated and decreased the amount of living space that Mrs. Mean has in her head which has worked well over the years, BUT sometimes Mrs. Mean pushes the boundary.
So what did she do? She reminded Tami of her childhood and how she didn’t fit in. She brought up her student teaching experience when her supervising teacher said (in front of an entire room of students) that she had no initiative and didn’t belong there. (Check out my medical record entry below.) She told Tami that she should already know the answers to all of her questions, even for new projects. She told her if she would just work harder, stay up later, Google more, that she would be able to complete all of her tasks, be perfect, and everyone would be impressed. She told her that her boss would hate the draft and wonder how in the world she survives in this business with so little skill.
So, what did TAMI do? This is where I hope to help you with my crazy mind-spiral story!
I took Charlie for a walk and prayed. My spiritual life has been a bit lacking lately, and that felt good; it gave me some peace.
I thought of people in my life who have the outlook I want – you know, someone who can be wrong or uninformed and be ok with it. I envisioned what they would do in that meeting.
I talked to myself out loud as Tami might in my situation, encouraging me with the facts. (Tami doesn't typically like it when one refers to oneself in the third person, but turns out it's a technique 😁! Listen to my podcast about this technique)
I envisioned the conversation with my boss (even places where I was questioned about what I did), seeing myself very confident in the areas I didn’t understand.
And then, I focused on the work. One step at a time.
Listen, I Do try to be positive and follow all of my own advice. One of my diagnoses during my 1995 mental hospital stay was PTSD related to perfectionism and failure, and sometimes it rears it’s ugly head when my self-esteem is at stake.
If you battle with these issues, sometimes admitting your worries and fears can make you feel even worse because you want to feel like you have everything in control. You want to appear like you’re all good. Maybe you just want to feel normal (whatever that means) and it infuriates you that you battle your mind.
Admitting is freeing!
It all went fine, like 99% of my worries do, and I learned something. I’m stronger. I am capable. I am good at what I do. And next time, I’ll start these steps sooner. I hope my honesty isn’t off-putting. We’re all in this life together, we all have our triggers and our struggles, and we all have hope to share.
Please share yours.
Love & Hugs 😘🤗